Why do men make excuses why they don’t ask women out again? Readers give advice. Sometimes, “He’s just not that into you.” Senior dating is like ice cream. Dating men is like trying on shoes.
By Tom P Blake - Finding Love after 50
Last week, we asked what advice our Champs would give to Gloria who had said that men keep making excuses that they are either going back to their old girlfriends or are choosing another woman over her.
Incredible responses came in. I picked three of the more profound ones.
Jillian said, "Gloria admits that, 'In the past I have been clingy, needy and wanted all of their time, it was a fast exit for some men I dated.'
"I'm sorry to say (as a Psychologist) that one does not just change their entire personality by having some revelation in midlife about why men keep ditching her! It sounds like she is still that way. The answer is, 'He's just not that into you!'
"Relationships are special, and difficult to find. I don't think it's easy to find someone compatible, and with all of the assets I'd like in a man, even if one isn't picky at all! It sounds like Gloria will take anyone that wears pants!
"The bottom line is: BE BUSY once in awhile! Say NO to a date, be involved in book clubs, bridge, sports, work, or any other club or group that you find interesting and KEEP those plans that you made or ask him to come along instead of dropping everything you've planned just to accommodate him. If you want someone to be interested in you, you MUST be interesting! Have your OWN life, and not his.
"I am never lonely or bored! I cannot figure out why or how so many people have time to be lonely or bored with all the things that are going on today and all the things that are offered to do in the community. I cannot keep up! Go to concerts, the theatre, cultural events, museums, hikes, etc.
"I can't even keep up with the mail, bills, and projects I'm working on, let alone find all the time I want to do the sports and go to all the events I want to see! By the time one fits in a little exercise, shower, meditation, and/or reading the paper, doing errands, fixing good meals, work, volunteering, groups, etc., how on earth can one be lonely?
"Another suggestion for Gloria, go to a Codependents Anonymous meeting!"
Joel shared the male point-of-view: "Gloria needs to understand this is all normal, even the lame cliché excuses. She needs to not bother with too much analysis. Dating is like ice cream. Some people like chocolate, some vanilla, and you don't ask why. It just is.
"I used to try to explain why I didn't want to see a woman again and would make up excuses and in fact used that one she mentioned. Now I just say, thanks, I enjoyed your company but we are not a match. I explain the ice cream theory if she insists and refuse to go further. There is no why.
"She may have a nervous laugh that drives me nuts, she may have revealed she believes deeply in a personal God and prays a lot, she may be a drama queen gesturing with her arms so wildly everyone in the coffee shop is looking and I'm trying to dive under the table...all real examples, by the way.
"Dating men is like trying on shoes: You just keep trying until you get one that fits, sometimes the one you like hurts and you buy it anyway and sometimes we smell.
"Gloria is in a learning curve and sooner or later will find a shoe that fits, hopefully one that doesn't hurt and smells good."
Ceil wrote, "Gloria might not be doing anything 'wrong,' or anything to invite this. During my six months on a dating web site, I heard this same thing a number of times.
"I also read 'Date Lab' weekly in the Washington Post. Date Lab matches people up in person, and follows up after the date to see if they got together again, among other things. Quite a few of the daters, not always the men, told Date Lab the same thing. There was a feature-length article in the Post magazine not long ago that tells the statistics on a couple years of Date Lab ... how many marriages, etc. Also, how the Date Lab editors felt about the results. It'd be worth a read.
"I too find it perplexing that so many people would happen to re-meet a former date and decide to scotch the later relationship. I suspect it is usually an untrue excuse, but I do not know why.
"A person giving this excuse/reason avoids having to say anything personal about the person he's rejecting. Some of us would prefer an honest conversation. But I suspect that many prefer a dishonest excuse to a difficult conversation that would show more respect to the rejected one.
"I'm reminded of that disturbing (but also strangely liberating) book, "He's Just Not That Into You." When you start reading this bestseller, you feel like crap. But partway through, you start to gather some strength."